Make Yourself One of the People You Care For...

"Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.”  - Janis Joplin
 
Mary's story is not unique. Mary does not know how to say "no" to the other people in her life. Her husband and grown-up children have become accustomed to her meeting their small or big demands. Her extended family takes her for granted when they unilaterally assign her with tasks and responsibilities for family situations and events. Her friends know that she will drop everything and come to their aid and rescue in their latest crisis at all times of day and night. Her co-workers and supervisors praise her for taking on any additional roles and tasks that need to be done, without expecting credit or compensation for the inevitable sacrifice of her weekends or planned holidays. In therapy, Mary complains about the excessive demands placed on her by all the people in her life and their lack of understanding and caring for her boundaries and personal time.

Mary's story is not unique. Almost everyone knows someone like Mary in their life. In my own experience as a therapist, I have seen this issue arise in individuals from just about every culture, race, ethnicity, gender, age, socioeconomic status, among others. Mary could very well have been Maria, Miriam, Meena, Mark, Mario, Dr. Ming, Madison and so on. The fundamental issue is a very human issue. It speaks to the challenge of having a balanced approach towards oneself and those around us.

A big picture issue in this dynamic is the obvious dissonance between being a very helpful and resourceful person for others, while having a passive and helpless experience when it comes to oneself. It is like playing a board game with the only rule being that the one person you cannot help is yourself. As we search deeper for the reasons for this anomaly, we most likely encounter the tendency to view the self-other issue as all-black or all-white. If we seek the choice as only helping others versus only helping ourselves, then as "good" people, we are inclined to take the first choice. Thus, we play out the pattern of being a "good" person, who always helps others, because the perceived alternative is to be a selfish or "bad" person.

The good news is that we can learn, through therapy or in other ways, to move to a more balanced approach towards the self-other dynamic. Once we learn that helping the personal self is not always bad, we can allow help to reach us when we need it. One technique I have found helpful with many patients is helping them imagine a line of people that they are supposed to help, with each person getting a turn and then going back in the line. I ask them to imagine themselves getting a turn as well, making themselves one of the people that they are supposed to take care of. Not always first, but not always last either, getting their turn just like everyone else. This helps people to open a channel towards self-resourcefulness and allowing them to bring the considerable skills in the business of being helpful to the parts of them that could do with that help. This helps shift treatment as well as the direction of life towards more positive and self-affirming paths. Charity does indeed begin at home.